Duck you gooses

Recently, I heard a rumor about elementary schools trying to ban Duck Duck Goose from their playgrounds. Then, I read an article about a school in Massachusetts that already has banned tag from its recess playgrounds. Apparently, they're "too violent." Then I found this: http://www.petitiononline.com/dckdckgs/petition.html, and I hope it's a joke, because I laughed the entire time I read it. Here's my response to calling Duck Duck Goose part of the "sinister underbelly" of playground games. Editor’s note: If you do not understand sarcasm, do not read this. The world is a dangerous place. At any moment, doors could fly open, heels could snap off, pieces of satellites not completely consumed by the Earth’s atmosphere could come hurtling in from outer space and squash unsuspecting victims. We must be vigilant. We must take back the safety of the world, of our children. These are things we must do, in order to return to those golden years of lead paint and no seatbelt laws where people somehow manage to live past the age of 7 without constant adult supervision. 1. Along with banning things like cell phones and eating while driving, because they serve as distractions, we also should ban all children under the age of 12 from cars. Kids who scream, yell, fuss, or fight are a distraction to the driver, and therefore a hazard. 2. Actually, the only real way to keep the roads safe is to ban all vehicles. There will be no driving of any kind. People may only walk at slow speeds on designated roads during daylight hours. 3. At schools, children should no longer be allowed to actually play on playgrounds. These should now be called “discussion” grounds, where children can walk in small circles and discuss foreign policy and Dora the Explorer. After all, letting them run around and run into each other might actually help them learn social skills, release pent up energy and help them focus in class, encourage exercise as child obesity continues to rise, and, oh, right, act like children. We don’t want that. 4. People should have permits before having children. There should be a multi-faceted application process, that weighs financial security, intelligence, criminal record and physical appearance. Only attractive, smart and “good” people will be allowed to raise kids, because smart, attractive and athletic children are much more safe than ugly ones. 5. Microwaves and ovens will be banned, as will deep freezers. Anything too hot or too cold could cause damage to someone or something at some time in some way. 6. In accordance with No. 4, it will be illegal to live in all states in which the temperatures regularly rise above 85 or dip below 32. Hot and cold extremes have been known to cause health problems, and even death. The only way to avoid that is to remove both people and animals from harm’s way. Any person or animal discovered inhabiting the illegal space will be prosecuted as a criminal. Hopefully when everyone moves onto Hawaii, it doesn’t sink the rest of the way into the ocean, because swimming also will be illegal. We don’t want anyone to drown. 7. It will be illegal to grow, import, export or have anything to do with peanuts, because some people are allergic. 8. Bees will be completely banned, as some people also are allergic to them. 9. Anything made of glass, including all glassware, windows, and decorations will be banned. Glass can shatter, and those jagged edges could be deadly. 10. All knives will be banned. How will you spread butter, you may ask? It’s a non-issue, because all foods other than fruits and vegetables are banned, for health and safety considerations. This is just the first step we can take, to ensure the next generation grows up in a safer world than we did. It’s for the children.

Pop goes the weasley can

Last night, I got home from the grocery store with three items in my hand, one of them being a 12-pack of Sprite Zero. Somehow, I still managed to drop the box on the threshold, which resulted in all 12 cans of pop rolling down my front step.
In between putting the cans back into the box and fighting to keep Mort from running outside, I must have miscounted, because I thought I had them all safely returned to the box.
This morning, however, as I backed out of my "driveway," I saw one lonely can nestled against the sidewalk curb. I'm not sure if it froze overnight, but I'm a little scared to open it. Who knows what could happen?